


How To Exorcise The Devil

by Novocaine_Heart



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 06:25:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15790827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Novocaine_Heart/pseuds/Novocaine_Heart
Summary: Promptfill from @Luciferpromts on TumblrWhat would happen if Lucifer was exorcised in the middle of the precinct?Not much actually.





	How To Exorcise The Devil

“So, who are we interrogating today?” Lucifer said as he placed the coffee he bought in front of Chloe, who immediately thanked him.

She leant back while sipping the fresh coffee. “It’s a priest who may know the whereabouts of our would-be killer.” 

His eyes lit up at the prospect of uncovering the darkest secrets of one of Dad’s preachers, he couldn’t stop the grin that split his face.

“Okay if you’re going to have a grin on your face like that there is no way I am letting you interrogate him.”

“But Detective, he’s a priest! Do you know what kind of dirty little secrets he could be hiding? You could make two arrests in a day!”

“You mean you just want to arrest someone who works in a church.” She frowned.

“I admit it would make my day.”

Chloe just rolled her eyes. 

The priest was brought in shortly after their conversation. Lucifer was halfway over to Dan’s desk after spotting the other detective glaring at him threateningly and holding an empty pudding cup for him to see when the sudden shout of ‘DEVIL’ broke the atmosphere of the precinct. Eyes immediately flew to the greying priest pointing an accusing finger at Lucifer.

Lucifer turned to the man, putting his hands in his pockets and gave him an enthusiastic smile. 

“That’s me, you called?”

“How dare you walk the Earth Satan!”

“I dare.” Lucifer grinned

“Do you people not see the evil that walks among you?!” He’d started yelling and gesturing wildly. “I will save you all! I will send you back to Hell myself Satan and save the soul of this man you have possessed!”

“Is this guy for real?” Dan muttered to Chloe and Ella who stood with him at his desk. Chloe shook her head, intending to drag the priest to the interrogation room so everyone could get back to work but was stopped by Ella who wanted to see if the priest would actually do it and how Lucifer would react. No one else made a move to stop the priest. 

He held his silver cross to Lucifer and started chanting the Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Lucifer turned slightly to his friends and gestured to the priest with a ‘look at this fool’ look. He blinked a few times when he felt droplets hit his face and turned to see the priest shaking a small vile of holy water at him.

“Dear Lord, deliver this man’s soul back to his body so the Devil may be cast from the Earth! Leave this body and return to the hell from which you came Satan! I compel you!” He thrusted the worn cross at Lucifer repeatedly and quickly went back into another chant of the Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

When Lucifer looked back to Chloe and saw the unamused glare she was giving him, he knew it was time to stop the priest.

“Alright that’s enough thank you.” Lucifer plucked the cross and small vile of holy water from the protesting priest’s hands. “In case you couldn’t tell, your exorcism was an epic fail.” The priest stared at him with an open mouth. “Firstly,” Lucifer dangled the cross in front of the priest. “This is just a piece of metal, it can’t compel anyone to do anything. Secondly,” He held up the vile of holy water. “This doesn’t work on divine beings, I mean honestly its holy water where do you think it came from?” He chuckled.

“There is nothing holy or divine about you Satan!” The priest flustered.

“Nothing holy I agree with but I am still a divine being. Thirdly, the Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary doesn’t scare me in the slightest. And lastly, you do realize the point of an exorcism is to expel a spirit from a body, which doesn’t work when it is the spirits actual body.” Lucifer gestured to himself and raised an eyebrow at the spluttering priest.

The priest finally looked Lucifer in his eyes, which he briefly flashed red. The priest promptly fainted.

Chloe, Dan and Ella came to stand next to him.

“Wow.” Ella said with an amazed expression. “He actually believed you were the real Devil! Man you have this method acting down pat.”

Lucifer released a heavy sigh. “More like he’s a true believer and can actually see what I am, they’re hard to come by these days.”

“What?” Dan gave him an incredulous look.

“Someone may say they believe in God but that doesn’t make them a true believer, ah, no offense Miss Lopez.”

“None Taken.” 

“Look, can we just get him into the interrogation room and wake him up, I’ve had enough religious stuff for today.” Chloe sighed.

Lucifer realized his day had been made, and while the priest held no dirty secrets for the devil to uncover, he’d certainly given the priest some insight into exorcisms.


End file.
